This is a blog of love, a blog of hope, a blog of freedom. There is no perfection here..just me.

Don't you hate how life can be going so good for you and then bam you get hit my something that completely knocks you down and shatters your life...

Let me explain a little bit, i dont remember very much of my school years i was a little out of it...no i wasn't on drugs or anything like that i just didn't pay much attention to it..but  i met Jonathan when i was 13..he was in my english class and his mom was a new teacher at my school. His brother Billy and I became instant friends, we always hung out together..me and Jonathan were close too and he used to always have a thing for walking me to class...he was younger than I was and he was in junior high meaning we only had one class together and somehow my classes were always on the way to his classes..haha...
His sister Suzanne was like my best friend, she was the first to introduce me to black lipstick and dark clothes...

They moved a year or so later and we still tried to keep contact as much as possible but it wasn't the same, I found out recently that Billy is engaged to one of my best friends Maria and that he is living in the next town over now..which was surprising but good...

The worst news hit me today...Jonathan 17 years old..hung himself on Jan. 4th, 2008..he had gotten into some legal trouble, shot a guy over a girl and was facing up to 30 years in prison if convicted....

my heart sank today when I heard the news...I couldn't believe what was happening to me, her I had just saw him a few months ago, exchanged emails a few times but other than that we kind of lost touch...and now he's gone...

I can't deal with this right now...

I dont know what to say

I dont even know what to do...

So it's only the 1st day of the new year, and I feel like its already going bad. First off I got called into work which is ok, I dont mind that, I love my job, there's just other stuff that is going on as well. I lost my best friend today, not to suicide or death or anything, we just can't be friends anymore, its bringing both of us down, and its mainly because I'm not a cutter anymore, and she still is, and it seems if im not cutting or wanting to off myself that she hates me or something. My best friend Aaron who I"ve gotten pretty close to lately left at 3 am this morning to go to Australia for at least two years, possibly longer to do some work with youth with a mission...I dont know it just seems a little discouraging, but I guess I'm going to have to live with it. Not let it get to me.

I'm Fine..really I am..I didn't mean to drop off the face of the planet for a few days but my work schedule has been crazy. So to all of you who have flooded my voicemail and inbox with "love notes"...dont worry I'm OK...

So i work today but then im off for an amazing 4 days..Thank You Jesus....

I've been trying to get some stuff together for a few families that im helping out with some things, and well its been hectic especially with my work schedule and such. I really am thankful for Jesus and the love he has shown me.

So I'm really surprised that I can still recite 1st Corinthians 13 without messing up...sometimes I really do amaze myself.

It's New Years Eve and I have to work tonight but I'm still excited. It's a New Year starting in 11 hours and 4 minutes. The countdown is on. I can't wait. Oh and good news, I'm celebrating something today...but I'll have to share that one later...

Love you all..

Laura

I'm back..I promised another entry today and I stick by my promises.
Today was kind of a rough day..I've been thinking about Jessy a lot..he is everywhere I look, he's in my mind, he's in my heart, I can't stop thinking about him, and with my birthday getting closer and closer, and the memories of his suicide are really starting to get to me.

It will be four years...four long years without Jessy, and I know I should be over it by now, and sometimes its not that hard, but I can't stand my birthday, I literally want to lie in bed and weep, I know its not what he would want me to do, but then again I dont know what he would want me to do. I know while he was alive, he was never pro suicide, he thought it was the worst thing anyone could do, yet he took his own life.

I just pray that he is happier now, he is safe, that he knows he is loved.

I miss you Jessy, wherever you are, just know that I love you.

RIP Jessy Davis..Feb 3rd, 1987- Feb. 15, 2004

I love my job..I'm a certified photo specialist at walgreens and its a lot of fun. I get to interact with people all day long, and plus I get to look at some really crazy pictures. I also get to create some random pics and transform random things into store displays, its ALOT of fun. it really brings out my creative side.

So anyway after work last night, I went to Corey's house, Corey is a girl I work with in the photo department. She's older than me, She's 34 but she's amazing..We played wii til like almost 3 in the morning, we talked about work and any issues we might have in life, it was just basically a talk/venting session, it was cool to be able to do that, to be able to sit down and talk it out with her without her holding anything against me. It's nice to be able to have a friend and a coworker at the same time. I left there feeling happy, feeling content with the way my life was, but I still want something more. I want to give others that same peace i felt last night. The same content feeling that makes me want to live, that makes me want to open up and talk about my struggles.

I'm not sure if this is even making sense, its 1 pm in the afternoon and I've only been awake about an hour after not getting home until almost 4 in the morning. I am completely exhausted but I still felt I needed to write, I needed to write about that time when I felt free. Don't get me wrong, I still feel free, it's just weird how there's those little moments where you're completely content, where its as if you're watching yourself in a movie and you can't believe what you are seeing. I love that.

Signing off for now...
I'm sure I"ll write more later
Laura